Thursday, December 12, 2013


For someone who claims to be so intuitive when it comes to your lovers feelings and body signals, you can sometimes be completely oblivious. Granted, we're doing our talking over the internet and it's hard to grasp inflection but still.........

In addition, my silence is speaking volumes. Do you just chalk it up to I'm busy and just don't have the time? Cause if so, then that means that you either don't listen to me when I speak or you don't believe what I say. And I've told you time and time again that I mean what I say and say what I mean. If I told you that I will ALWAYS have time to talk to you (unless otherwise occupied), then that's what I mean. I wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. I will make the time.

And I know you said it wasn't necessary to talk every day and I agree. However, a quick text with a smiley face or a "good morning" or a quick snapchat or something would be nice. Not necessary, but nice. It shows you're thinking of me. Unless you aren't thinking of me and if that's the case, then we have a problem. Cause I think about you every day. Maybe not all day long like I used to the in beginning, but that's to be expected. You were all I focused on for so long and it was such a heightened situation that it's expected that it had to come down at some point.

I cry so much more now that I've opened up and I'm starting to resent you a little for making me do that. Not that you're always the cause of the tears, but more often than not, you are. And it's fear that's making me cry. I have no clue where we stand with each other and it's tearing me apart a little, the not knowing. I don't necessarily have to know a direct path of our relationship, but I at least need to know the general direction. Right now, as it stands, I'm at a 4 way stop and I have no clue if I need to go straight, turn right, turn left or back up. So, I'm stuck.

You always ask me how I feel and get frustrated at me when I don't open up either the way you want me to or if the feelings I do share with you are not what you wanted or expected. I sincerely hope it's not the latter, because there is no way on earth that I can predict what you want from me or read your mind. As much as you want someone in your life to be on the same wave length or rhythm as you, you have to help a little. The geographical distance between us is not helping the situation either. I'm not in a position to pack up and move but you are. And I know that we need to give it more time before making that kind of decision, but you throw out such mixed signals. Actually, it's worse than signals. You actually speak out loud the thoughts, dreams and wishes you have and make it sound like I could or am included in those. And part of those dreams, wishes and thoughts are of moving here to start fresh in a small town and to be near me, even if we don't ultimately wind up together.

I hate crying. You know that. And I'm really hoping that all of this that makes me cry or makes me want to give up is just because we're not together in person and we need to figure out our rhythm but until you can tell me whether you want to actually pursue a relationship or not, I'm left in limbo. And it's been over a week since I answered your question of whether or not I want to be in one. And I'm hoping against hope that you asked me about that because you're interested in pursuing one with me. Cause if not, then that's just cruel. Making me open up like that and then taking away all hope. I hate false hope more than anything else. You say things that make me think you want what I want, but you haven't given me answers to anything or responded to my confession.

I'm aware that this is not the best time to talk about this. It's holiday time and most people tend to get more lonely at this time of year and I don't want a relationship to evolve out of sheer loneliness. I also understand that you have your own looming issue next week that you have to deal with. So, I get that. But give me something. Give me a time frame in which we might talk. Give me......something....anything. Just put me out of my misery. That's all I'm asking for. At least right now. Cause just when I think I'm all cried out, you manage to bring out fresh tears. And I hate that.

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